I am a late diagnosed autistic photographer, I want to be creative in ways true to myself.

What stops me?

I was diagnosed as autistic in my late sixties.

As an undiagnosed autistic person living in a neurotypical world, I spent many, many years trying not to be myself. After my diagnosis I came to understand that this negation of the self is common in many autistic people, it is referred to as ‘masking’. One reason we mask is to fit in, or in my case, not to stand out as being different. Masking may sound like a sensible solution, but it can be highly stressful for the autistic person. One of the ways in which masking harmed me was that it stifled my creativity.

As a photographer I felt driven to succeed, to be published, to sell my work, to exhibit - all this, not because I had something to express but because I wanted to prove to myself that I was like others, that I wasn’t that person who had problems fitting in and functioning, and whose creative ideas others frequently just didn’t ‘get’. Who felt like an outsider. …. it was almost a yearning to belong.

I think the greatest shame is not that others have not listened to me but that I have not listened to myself.

It is early days, and I don’t know where it may lead, but since my diagnosis I have given myself permission to express myself creatively in ways that are true to myself. This is allowing me more room for experimentation and self-expression. I also give myself space to make mistakes and for that to be o.k.

For many years I labelled myself as a failure. I realise now that my expectations of myself were unreasonable and that rather than measuring myself against others I need to nurture my autistic and creative self.

Of course, artists and other creatives have long been allowed to step outside the norm, as a society, we largely accept and even encourage many of the differences they may exhibit…..but it has been hard for me to see myself as an artist. I am locked in, not only to societal expectations of how I should express myself, but locked inside my autistic body and mind, which can be a limiting thing in itself. And yet, in labelling my autistic self as limited I feel I have fallen into the trap of measuring myself as broken. I am different, but hope to discover that being different can be a beautiful thing too.

The photograph heading this blog entry depicts the inland view over the river Nevern as seen from Newport bridge in Pembrokeshire.